I think it's been about three months since I began wrestling with God. Every time I turned around, I was getting the same reminder, the same nudging, the same thoughts and ideas! I had all sorts of excuses, but I've finally come to realize that it was going to drive me crazy unless I just do it!
It started when I began a counseling course that was designed to help heal past traumas. I have been in and out of counseling and therapy for years, but never have I felt a course that was tailored to me - until now. This course was created by a dear friend of mine, a Christian friend who lives her life for Christ and His kingdom. She is a survivor of trauma and now seeks to help others to truly thrive, putting all that "junk" in its place, so we can fully enjoy our daily blessings. Shout out to Cendrine Hosada; you can find her on Facebook and at www.pursuingwholesomehealth.com. If you too want to find ways to not just live, but to thrive, check her out!
Back to my wrestling match with God - during one of the course sessions, it discussed memorizing scripture and how important that could be for our recovery. While I loved the thought, I had many explanations on why I couldn't do this, including, but not limited to:
I'm too old to memorize - my memory is failing.
I have a bad memory because of early life drinking and drugs.
I'm on many medicines and that affects my memory skills.
I've tried it many times before and failed.
... and so on.
Cendrine is so amazing at supporting and encouraging me and through her counseling, I decided I could do this; I could begin memorizing scripture. So I made this one of my weekly goals. And it didn't happen. I made it a goal again. It didn't happen. This went on for about three weeks, until I decided to focus on other goals. Memorizing scripture was left in the "not done" pile - sort of out of sight, out of mind!
Next, I started a new Proverbs 31 online bible study. I volunteer as a Facebook small group leader and I got really excited about the study, Rest for Your Soul - A Bible Study on Solitude, Silence and Prayer. (Don't we all need this?) Guess what Chapter 2 focused on for much of the chapter - yes, the importance of memorizing God's word. The study talked about how hiding the Truth in our hearts is key for those valleys we all go through. We can pull out a verse when we are feeling overwhelmed, we can help a friend who is going through a tough time, we can share a verse with a child or grandchild. And a great one - when the Enemy is prowling and trying to take control of our thoughts, we can use His word as a weapon! So I told Cendrine again - I'm going to do this! And once again, it didn't get done; I didn't even start! Once again, it was left in the "not done" pile.
Why was this such a struggle for me? I knew and understood the importance, I knew how helpful it could be, not just for me but for others. So why did I feel "struck," unable to make a move toward beginning? I would get so excited and make a plan, then let everything take precedence over that!
During Week 2 of the study, we were given access to a video that the author (Wendy Blight is her name, if you want to look her up - I love her!) and a friend had prepared, discussing the importance of - you guessed it - memorizing scripture. They talked about how they were accountability buddies and had been meeting together on a regular basis and learning scripture together. They would cheer each other on, they would hold each other accountable, they would lovingly pick each other up if they fell. It was beautiful to hear about how they started this years ago and it was still happening today.
I learned so much from that video, such as:
Not once had I asked God how I should do this.
Not once had I thought about accountability, even though that's so important to me.
Not once had I considered asking others who might also be struggling and who could encourage and support each other.
I realized I did have all the tools needed, as long as I was seeking God's input first.
Right after this time, I went to my church bible study for our first session and yes, again, the importance of hiding God's word in your heart was discussed. And still I thought, but how can I... where can I... how should I... See the pattern here and above in my excuses?
Tonight I was reminded of the story of Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32:24-25:
So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.
When studying about these two verses, I found that after this wrestling match, Jacob realized that it was God whom he had spent all night trying to "take down." Scholars feel this happened because Jacob was too resourceful and depended too much on his own strength to make it through his world. Jacob believed in himself first and God second, so God needed to "conquer" Jacob in order to show him that nothing comes from us alone; we are always to depend on God.
So I've decided to quit wrestling with God! I can't do this on my own. It will take God coming first and all else will fall into place. Since this mindset change, it's like the puzzle pieces suddenly fit together. I'm gathering like-minded women together who also struggle with memorizing God's word, we will partner with each other and hold each other accountable, and we will become seekers of the Truth, knowing that God works all things according to His plan for those who love Him.
Check back in with me in a few months and I'll be happy to share how it's going. I'm sure there will be some struggles, some highs and some lows, but that's okay. We will be moving forward under God's direction - and hopefully no more wrestling!
Vickie